Sex Sex Sex…

Posted: April 1, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

If you have not figured it out yet, keep the prudes and children away from this post…

Sex has been in the news a lot lately for a variety of reasons.  Being an election year, the GOP predictably ramps up its attacks on Planned Parenthood, its proposals for abstinence-only sex education programs, its brutish stance against gay marriage, its openly bigoted assault on women’s health,  its denunciation of contraception, and of course the endless ranting about self-righteous bedroom morality.

Add to this the more than 500 American priests who have been convicted of child sex abuse, the untold numbers of Catholic child rapists worldwide,  the Vatican’s idiotic stance on contraception, the girl who committed suicide for having to marry her rapist, and on…and on.  Everywhere you look, you’ll find legislated values, bigoted judgement, and bedroom morality cops all gift wrapped by your friendly neighborhood church.

Well….with Valentine’s Day in our not too distant past, it got me to wondering just how many sins my wife and I commited that night. Without giving you the details, I can safely say that we committed no less than 23 sins. 23 acts that were so vile and sinful that my wife and I will be burning in the fires of hell for all eternity. All for a little bit of fun and pleasure. It was SOOOOOO worth it!

I sauntered on over to a Roman Catholic theologian’s extremely long and boring website to see exactly what was so bad:

The expression ‘that use which is against nature’ refers to unnatural sexual acts, such as oral sex, anal sex, or manual sex. Saint Augustine condemns such acts unequivocally. He even states that such unnatural sexual acts are even more damnable (i.e. even more serious mortal sins) when these take place within marriage. For God is even more offended by a sexual mortal sin that takes place within the Sacrament of Marriage, since this offense is not only against nature, but also against a Holy Sacrament….Furthermore, “the moral order of sexuality involves such high values of human life that every direct violation of this order is objectively serious.” (Persona Humana, n. X). Therefore, any sexual act that is intrinsically evil, is not only always immoral, but always gravely immoral. Some intrinsically evil acts are venial sins; other intrinsically evil acts are mortal sins. An intrinsically evil sexual act is always an objective mortal sin.

Wow. Pretty strict, even for a bunch of pedophile homosexual rapists. At least he didn’t specifically call out handcuffs, rubber suits, whipped cream, trampolines, feather boas, midgets, Crisco, chocolate pudding, or airplane toilets. We would really be fucked, pun intended.

Unreal. No spanking the monkey. Don’t whip the mule. Don’t shag the carpet. No tossing the salad. Don’t even think about polishing the knob, or munching the taco. Pretty soon, the church will have the right-winged dingbats legislating all this stuff too.

While you pontificate the absurdity of the pontiffs…enjoy the actual logo of the Catholic Church’s Archdiocesan Youth Commission:

Ha! Freudian slip? Or just hiding it in plain view…

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